Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
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May never get over this
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
just got my engagement photos
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling