I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
You Might Also Like
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
🖤✌🏽
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.