After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”