Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”