uncle dave has been through hell
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Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
When you don’t understand how floors work
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”