Meat Cute
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.