A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I love art.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
✌🏽
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
mechanics be like
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem