Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Not all heroes wear capes….
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”