TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When your parents check you’re ok.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
TWEET CALL
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Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.