I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
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[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.