ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.