*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️