I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
You Might Also Like
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*me flirting
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy