My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”