Quadruple digit IQ
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[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“No way.” -Jose
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.