her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
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She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed