So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.