“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Ron is short for Aaronald
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Great Canadian literature.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.