Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I can鈥檛 find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
her: we鈥檙e engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn鈥檛 ask me first
me: you鈥檙e not really my type
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
I was bummed that I didn鈥檛 have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If I鈥檓 ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
3: when I鈥檓 5 I鈥檒l do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My馃憦spacebar馃憦is馃憦broken馃憦so馃憦I’m馃憦using馃憦the馃憦clapping馃憦emoji馃憦instead馃憦I’m馃憦not馃憦trying馃憦to馃憦make馃憦a馃憦point
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If Die Hard isn鈥檛 a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?