[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
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You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Only Americans understand
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.