“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I beg your pardon?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Look at this
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.