Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?