I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.