Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN