I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me trying to “trust the process”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Still cracks me up
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.