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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
time for some seasonal decor
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no