Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I occasionally drink every single night.
“i miss shittin on people”
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
hmmm
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over