wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.