I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
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Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.