I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*