If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
taking June’s advice to heart
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.