Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.