vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
You Might Also Like
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My work here is done
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My favorite female superhero
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.