Hot Panini is in big trouble
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Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.