I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!