Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Ummm
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.