Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?