Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Steam Forums
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.