When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.