Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You are not alone 💚
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
We’ve all been there…
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
The photographer’s assistant
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀