My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME