[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Discuss
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.