Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too