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#growingpains
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*