Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit