her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.