barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
How about daylight saves us for once
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
house sitting!
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”