[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
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[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
This sounds bad:
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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Me: Same
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.