That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Otters drive ottermobiles.