Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
man i love columbo
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.